Summers Gone

Posted August 23, 2010 by sofine4952
Categories: Uncategorized

Well it has been another lonely summer since Anthony has passed.  I really think that this one has been the worse one.  First its been hot as hell and the air conditioning has consistantly been running.  Second with the humidity you can’t even sit outside by the pool.  My electric bills never been so high.  Third its been really lonely.  I keep trying to make sense of it all, but can never find the answer. I have the WHY sitting on my shoulder all the time.  I wake up to it and go to sleep with it.  I have been reading so many books on suicide just trying to figure the pain he was in.  My therapist says that its a pain like no other and  I don’t want to know whats it like.  I recently met up again with a woman I worked with and she was so depressed that she wanted to commit suicide.  She was so depressed she wouldn’t even get out of bed.  She also lost her home as she wouldn’t work or pay her bills.  She liken it being in a hole and can never see the top to get out. She was one of the lucky ones who managed to get out of the hole.  Unfortunately Anthony never reached the top…  I still can’t believe I didn’t catch most of it.  It was like he was a master of disguise.  He had two faces.  One for home and work and one for him.  Alyssa caught onto to it, as children can see what we cannot.  In the August before he passed, she said to him “Where is my Dad” and he told her that he was right here.  She turned around and told him that he wasn’t the Dad she knew.  Why didn’t I see what she did.  I beat myself up all the time, maybe I could have stopped him and we would still be a family.


Memorial weekend

Posted May 31, 2010 by sofine4952
Categories: Uncategorized

Another holiday without Anthony.  Its so sad for us.  We would have been out on the bay having a great time with our boat and friends boats.  We used to tie the boats together and jump from boat to boat.  Every boat had something different to eat and you picked at each stop.

My husband would sit in the tubes tied behind the boat for hours.  The only time he would come back to the boat was for me to hand him a new beer.  Alyssa would jump into the bay and try to turn over her Dad’s tube.  He would always tease her like he was going to get her and she would scream and swim for the boat. 

I am sure that my in laws are having a barbecue.  Of course we won’t be invited as to they still think I made him do it.  So another year without family….

I just wish that I would wake up from this bad dream and it hadn’t happened.

As I usually ask “why”

My thoughts

Posted May 30, 2010 by sofine4952
Categories: widow

This is my first blog .  I thought that writing on here will help me connect with others who have been in the same situation.